stress and hard duress replace the hope i had everyday

it's a really cold night and my eyes are red and dry and i feel nauseated and discouraged like usual. everything was ordinary. the most significant, reoccuring things that happend were conversations about friday night and the things that were said and things i said and the things i did. i talked to nick and met his friends patrick and kevin. they're nice. there is a really strange ambulance going off and it's a sound i've never heard before. it sounds like it's malfunctioning, or maybe it's a new kind of ambulance. nevermind, it just stopped and started again and it sounds normal.

i just want to be happy. i felt happy talking to two new people and one i hadn't seen in a while. i feel happy when suspicious liquids loosen my lips and allow me to morph into a social butterfly. i feel happy afterward when i don't have a headache, too. i feel happy when i'm respected by others, whether or not they like me as a person. i feel happy when i do well in school and get As and Bs, instead of the 3 other deadly marks below that. i used to feel happy on that cracked asphalt with that empowering graphite & carbon and green felt. i don't anymore, but i don't want to throw it all away.

decisions....