it looks as though you're letting go, and if it's real, well I don't want to know.

I am at such a loss for words. I never thought I'd feel this so soon. if you saw me crying today, FYI, you haven't the faintest idea and you never ever will. well maybe but not now. I just wish you could know what comes next sometimes. I mean I wouldn't want to know how I'm going to die or anything but I mean if I knew what was going to happen a week ago, I would have been able to get some bubble wrap or a bunch of cushions and a helmet or something to brace myself. I just wish this would've happend at a later time. when the days would be normal and no elephant was sticking its ass in my face. dontcha just love the romanticism in this post? it's too soon to say anything definite, and I hope I don't regret writing this, but I really need this right now. I hate this feeling of solitude and abandonment in rooms and spaces filled past maximum capacity. I feel like a total nub. the nubbiest! sigh... tomoro's a mystery. eff mystery though dude! it's so captivating and appealing in people but sucks chiz when it's another unbearable 24 hours of not knowing. I don't like unpredictability anymore. I like being safe and secure and feeling like I am right where I belong. if I were to explain my exact feelings, I would have to say it would probably be similar to being waken up by a blow horn at 4am, pulled out of your cozy bed, thrown onto a toboggan, and being pushed down a snow covered California St., SF with no way to brake. I hope I don't fall into another state of (insert ambiguous blog title here) again. swimming daily and not eating are probably not a good mix. I guess I'll go to sleep now. they're telling me to.